Miscarriage: What to do, What not to do!
Having a miscarriage is a difficult experience for most people. There are some women who have an “early miscarriage” and don’t appear to be bothered by it. However, there are other women who are devastated by it. The majority of women fall somewhere in between. The important thing to remember with miscarriage is that it’s a very unique experience to the woman having it. If you’ve had a miscarriage and are “over it” or were not deeply affected by it, don’t assume that your friend who just had a miscarriage feels the same way. Everyone is affected differently by this grief and expresses it in different ways. When you have a friend who has had a miscarriage, be open to hearing how she is feeling and experiencing it and try not to put your preconceived ideas and feelings on it.
Here are a few options of what you can say and do when a friend tells you they had a miscarriage:
- “I’m so sorry you went through that.”
It’s completely normal to not know what to say and that’s okay! You don’t need to “fix” anything and you can’t take away her pain. So, saying a simple phrase like this can be all she needs to hear. Saying something like this and sitting quietly with your friend can be a great way to show your love and support.
- “I can see this is really hard for you and I’m here for you.”
This is an example of reflective listening and is a great way to show you care about your friend. As I noted earlier, everyone responds to miscarriage differently and responding to how your friend is feeling about it is the best thing you can do for her. Additionally, she may feel better or worse, depending on the day, so don’t be shocked if she “seemed fine” last time you saw her and now she is uncontrollably crying.
- “Can I bring you dinner tonight (tomorrow, next week, etc)?”
It is common to experience physical discomfort all the way to excruciating pain during and after a miscarriage. If this is the case, the last thing your friend wants to do is plan, prep, and even think about dinner. Bringing her dinner is a practical way to show your concern. (Also, grief in general, is exhausting) Be prepared to stay as short (or long) as your friend wants you to. She may not feel like talking or having company. But, on the flip side, she may need a sympathetic ear to listen to what she’s going through.
- “I’m thinking of you.” or “You’re on my mind.”
Saying simple phrases like these are a great way to let your friend know you care and are thinking of her, and allows her to know she’s cared for, but doesn’t have to feel the pressure to say how she’s doing or explain anything. Your friend will appreciate that you’re thinking about her. (Saying “How are you?” is an example of a question that requires a response.) Let your friend know you’re thinking about her on holidays, her due date, and the anniversary of her loss. These are especially hard times.
What you do NOT want to say:
- “I’ve had a miscarriage too. I know what it’s like.”
You actually don’t know what it’s like, for your friend. You know what it was like for yourself. Your friend may be telling you about her experience because she knows you’ve had one and finds comfort in that. However, each woman’s experience is unique and saying something along these lines can unintentionally minimize what your friend is feeling. And, shut down the open line of communication.
- “My sister (cousin, co-worker, etc.) lost a baby when she was 6 months (or whatever time period) pregnant.”
I know you’re trying to identify with your friend and show your understanding. But, again, a comment like this can be hurtful. If your friend was 6 or 8 weeks when she lost her baby, she might feel like her pain is “lesser” when someone has lost a baby further along in a pregnancy. No matter what the weekly gestation was at the time of miscarriage, your friend is hurting and needs to know her pain is seen and it’s important to you.
If you’ve said one of these potentially hurtful comments, don’t worry. Sadly, miscarriage is a taboo subject in most social circles and a lot of people do not know what to say or do. I’d venture to guess that your friend knew you were just trying to comfort her and saw your heart. What you could do is talk to your friend about the unintentionally hurtful comment(s) you said and offer a sincere apology.
I hope you’ve gained some insight into what can help you show your love and concern for your friend. And if you’ve had a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. (If you’d like to read my blog post on healing after a miscarriage, click here.)
