The Flashlight Farmer: Tending to Our Mental Garden
There is something deeply grounding about working with the earth. Whether it is turning the soil, planting seeds, or pulling weeds, gardening requires a specific kind of patience—one that reminds us that growth cannot be rushed, and that anything worth cultivating demands regular care, attention, and protection from the elements.
Growing up, my dad earned a rather unique family nickname: “The Flashlight Farmer.”
As you can probably guess, he earned the title from the late nights he spent out in his ginormous garden, tending to the vegetables that fed our family. Those hot, humid summer days with the scorching sun were never very kind to his fair Scandinavian skin. So, once the sun dipped below the horizon, out into the massive vegetable garden he would go—always outfitted in a lightweight long-sleeve shirt to ward off the evening mosquitoes.
From the vantage point of our dining room table, we could always watch the beam of his heavy metal flashlight bouncing around amidst the towering rows of zucchini, cucumbers, and tomatoes like a searchlight in the dark. He was a dedicated gardener, spending hours out there every single long summer night making sure the plants survived and thrived.
Sometimes, my dad would let us kids help out in the garden. While many of the assigned jobs were less than thrilling—like clearing rocks out of the dirt so the rototiller wouldn't jam—there were a few tasks that captured our curiosity.
The Pests and the Suckers
One of those jobs was scouring rows of tomato plants in search of tomato worms. These large, bright green pests were notorious for devouring a plant before you even realized they were there. Picking them off required a careful hand. To this day, I can still vividly remember the soft, pudgy feel of those caterpillars between my fingers, and the slightly unnerving moment when they would rear back and open their mouths as if preparing to bite.
Another task involved the tomato plants as well: hunting down the "suckers." These are the tiny, innocuous sprouts that emerge in the "armpits" of the plant, right between the main shoot and the branches, as my mom used to call them. At a glance, they look completely harmless. But if left unattended, they siphon vital nutrients away from the rest of the plant, leaving fewer resources to grow actual tomatoes.
To help a garden thrive, both the obvious pests and the hidden suckers have to go.
Human beings are not all that different.
We need sunlight, water, proper nourishment, and freedom from internal pests and hidden energy-drains to truly flourish. In a therapy office, this metaphor translates directly to how we manage our internal thought gardens. Just like those garden plants, our minds can become overrun by two distinct types of negative mental habits: the obvious, screaming intrusive thoughts, and the stealthy, quiet confidence-depleting whispers.
The Loud Worms vs. The Stealth Suckers
Today, thanks to the massive cultural shift toward mental health awareness and the rise of psychology content across social media, many people are quite adept at spotting their loud, intrusive negative thoughts. In the same way the naked eye can easily spot a bright green tomato worm against dark green leaves, we easily catch the loud automatic negative thoughts that scream for our attention:
"I am a total failure."
"Everyone has it together except for me."
These are the loud alarms of the mind. They catch us off guard, demand a reaction, and force us to stop what we are doing.
But what about the stealth suckers?
The stealth suckers are entirely different. They are quiet, subtle, and insidious. They do not sound off alarms, nor do they immediately cause panic. Instead, they grow slowly in the cracks of our daily lives, quietly draining our contentment, joy, and peace while we go about our routines.
They sound like this:
"I’m just not a good partner" whispering softly when you leave the kitchen sink full of dishes for a couple of days.
"Something is seriously wrong with me" creeping in quietly when you indulge in comfort food after a grueling week.
"I’m probably failing as a parent" settling into the back of your mind each time your child has a difficult moment in public.
"I must not be good enough..." murmuring gently when a peer achieves a milestone at work you were hoping for.
Just like the tiny sucker growing on a tomato plant, these thoughts often go unnoticed at first. We don't realize the emotional devastation they wreak because they blend seamlessly into the background of our busy lives.
Becoming a Careful Observer
In a therapeutic setting, learning to spot the stealth suckers is often where the real, transformative work happens. If left unattended, these subtle negative beliefs slowly strip away a person's joy, convincing them that they are somehow less-than, broken, or inadequate.
That is why awareness is the crucial first step.
Just like those green caterpillars that writhe and protest when you try to remove them, the subtle thought-suckers in our minds do not want to be disturbed either. They want to remain hidden so they can continue to consume our energy.
Learning to stop them requires the same kind of careful, patient observation I practiced as a child helping my dad in the garden. It means slowing down enough to scour the rows of your own mind. It means asking yourself: Where did that quiet little judgment come from? Is that actually true, or is it just an old habit whispering in the dark?
When these mental suckers are left alone, they grow and multiply. The pesky voice telling you that you aren't enough gets louder and more demanding. But when you stand guard over your own mental landscape—keeping a watchful, compassionate eye on your inner dialogue—you become far more adept at identifying and interrupting those harmful narratives.
Tending Your Internal Garden
The process of emotional healing and personal growth does not happen overnight. It requires patience, grace, and an ongoing commitment to weeding out the things that drain you.
Those mental suckers will try to sprout back up from time to time. That is simply part of being human. But with the right tools, self-awareness, and a willingness to tend to your inner world, you can stop them from choking out your joy.
You don't have to carry the weight of every harsh, quiet judgment your mind throws your way. By shining a gentle light into the hidden corners of your thoughts—much like my dad scanning his garden rows in the dark of night—you can clear out the debris and give yourself the space you need to flourish, grow strong, and produce the amazing fruit that was inside you all along.
Better, Not Bitter: Finding Purpose When Life Isn't Fair
Life rarely goes according to plan. Whether we are facing professional setbacks, unexpected curveballs, or deep, profound personal losses, there comes a point for all of us when we are forced to confront a painful reality: life isn't fair.
During seasons of intense heartache, it is entirely natural to feel consumed by grief, anger, or a deep sense of injustice. When you are hurting, watching others seemingly breeze past the very obstacles you are stumbling over can feel like salt in an open wound. It makes you want to pull away, close off your heart, and question why things had to happen the way they did.
I know what it’s like to sit in that kind of heavy, suffocating pain—the kind where you feel numb to the world around you, wondering how you are supposed to keep showing up to your day-to-day life when everything inside feels broken.
The Turning Point in the Midst of Grief
Years ago, I experienced a profound personal loss that completely derailed my world. It was a time of deep sorrow, confusion, and a staggering amount of grief. For a while, I didn't know how to navigate it. The pain bled into every area of life, making it difficult to find joy in things that used to bring happiness.
At the time, walking through daily life felt like moving underwater. Everywhere I looked, it felt like reminders of what I was missing were right in front of my face. The news of others experiencing joyful milestones felt sharp and stinging. It didn't matter if it was a casual announcement or a shared celebration; the contrast between others’ joy and my quiet devastation felt deeply unfair.
I could feel myself sliding down a slippery slope into bitterness. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want my grief to turn into resentment toward the world or toward people experiencing the exact blessings I longed for. But when you are hurting deeply, the temptation to shut your heart off is powerful.
As someone dedicated to mental health and emotional growth, I knew it was essential to process the pain. I knew I needed to cry, to lean into the discomfort, and to give my body and mind space to grieve. But I also knew I couldn't stay stuck there forever. I had to make a conscious choice about how I was going to carry that pain forward.
Then, one quiet day in the middle of the storm, a simple phrase popped into my mind:
“Let this make me better, not bitter.”
A Shift in Perspective
That short phrase entered my soul like a warm, steady light. It didn't minimize the pain, nor did it magically erase the heartache—and it shouldn't have. Grief isn't something you can just bypass or sweep under a rug.
Instead, the phrase acted as a gentle anchor. It beckoned me to look beyond my current circumstances, beyond the immediate agony, and think about the future. It reminded me that I had a choice. I could let the loss harden me, making me cynical and closed off, or I could allow it to expand my capacity for empathy, grace, and resilience.
I decided I wanted this experience to allow me to become a better person.
Of course, healing isn't a linear path. Just when I thought I had processed the hardest parts, another wave would hit. More reminders of what I was lacking would surface, testing my resolve. The internal voice would flare up: Why is this happening? Why is this so easy for others while it is so painful for me?
The sting didn't disappear overnight. But that comforting phrase kept returning to the surface. It challenged me to hold two seemingly opposing truths at the exact same time:
My heart could be deeply broken and grieving a profound loss.
I could still choose to hold genuine happiness and love for others in my heart.
Holding Space for Two Truths
Learning to hold space for opposing emotional realities is one of the hardest things we can do as humans. We often think life has to be all good or all bad. We think we either have to be completely happy or completely miserable.
But true emotional maturity—and true resilience—lives in the gray area.
You can be profoundly sad about a career setback while still cheering on a colleague's promotion. You can grieve a broken relationship while still believing in love. You can feel exhausted by your own struggles while remaining a compassionate support system for someone else.
In a wild turn of events, navigating that season of intense personal heartbreak birthed a brand-new perspective for me—one that has anchored my life ever since.
When life throws an unexpected curveball, when things don't work out the way I planned, or when I lose something I worked hard to achieve, this phrase is what keeps me going. It stops me from spiraling into permanent resentment. It keeps me looking toward something bigger than my current circumstances and myself.
A Gift for Your Own Journey
If you are currently walking through a difficult season—whether you are facing a closed door, a painful transition, a disappointment, or a loss that feels impossible to carry—I want to offer this phrase to you.
It won't take away the pain, and it shouldn't. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Cry the tears, ask the hard questions, and give your nervous system the grace it needs to process the weight.
But when you are ready, let this phrase be a gentle light in the darkness.
You don't have to let your hardships turn you bitter. You don't have to let resentment harden you. Instead, you can use your pain to forge a deeper compassion for yourself and others.
May this phrase and concept live inside your mind and heart as a steady reminder: no matter how difficult the circumstance, you have the decision to let the pain make you better, not bitter.
Simple, Not Easy: Why We Carry Shame for Things That "Should" Be Simple
A common struggle I see daily in therapy is self-judgment and shame. Almost everyone grapples with this to some degree, and when people first step into an office, they usually don’t even realize how much invisible weight they are carrying.
Like a pack mule so accustomed to the load, they don't know what it’s like to walk unburdened.
Where the Weight Begins
Often, people grow up in emotionally distant or unpredictable environments. From an early age, children learn that their behavior can either help or hurt the emotional climate around them. This isn't explicitly taught, and nobody realizes it's happening at the time.
When a parent is anxious, a child learns to become extra helpful, hyper-vigilant, and quiet. They learn that managing the emotional temperature of the room—by sacrificing their own needs and rushing to fix everyone else's—keeps the peace. Without realizing it, they attach their self-worth to how others are feeling. For a child trying to navigate a stressful dynamic, this emotional caretaking is a survival strategy.
It’s often not until adulthood, sitting across from a therapist, that the dots finally connect. People begin to understand why they can effortlessly read a room full of people, why they are "such a good listener," and why they are always a support for everyone else.
Yet, when it comes to their own needs, a deep sense of guilt creeps in. Spending money on self-care, taking a mental health day, or setting a boundary feels entirely foreign—because they were never taught how to value their own needs.
Untangling the Shame
This insight is paramount for progress, but it isn't the finish line.
To heal, a person has to learn how to be okay when others around them are not. Whether it’s a stressed partner coming home after a long day or a frustrated coworker, feeling responsible for other people’s bad moods is a heavy habit to break.
When people finally begin unpacking these childhood survival patterns, a wave of shame often hits. From an outside perspective, it's clear that a nervous system's wiring and past trauma are not anyone's fault. But internally, it feels entirely personal. After spending a lifetime being conditioned to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings, that belief feels like absolute truth.
Untangling those old lies takes time. In moments of frustration, the self-judgment spirals: "This is so simple, why can't I just stop people-pleasing?" or "Why can't I stick to this new routine?"
The antidote to that shame spiral often comes down to a simple reframing:
"This may be simple, but it’s not easy."
Shifting the Narrative
Whether it’s trying to stop emotional caretaking, sticking to a nutrition plan, establishing a consistent exercise routine, or maintaining boundaries, we tend to beat ourselves up when things feel hard.
We live in a culture that loves to oversimplify self-improvement:
Paying a bill? Pretty simple.
Joining a fitness class? Simple.
Eating more vegetables? Simple.
But none of those things are easy—especially if you are carrying past trauma, navigating a stressful season of life, or running on chronic exhaustion.
We literally cannot do all the things, all of the time.
The Personal Trap of "Simple" Routines
Even as a therapist who preaches self-compassion, I am certainly not immune to the trap of beating myself up over everyday habits. I know firsthand how quickly a "simple" task can feel impossibly heavy when life gets busy.
Take morning routines, for example. We've all heard the advice that waking up early to fit in a workout is the ultimate key to success and discipline. It sounds simple enough on paper: set an alarm, roll out of bed, and get moving. But for someone who is fundamentally not a morning person, that early wake-up call feels monumental.
There was a season where I tried forcing myself into an early-morning fitness routine. Every single day required an internal wrestling match. I would stumble out of bed, exhausted and groggy, questioning every life choice: How much protein do I need right now? Should my heart rate really be jumping this high? Is it actually a crime to want five more minutes of sleep?
And I’ll admit, it used to drive me completely CRAZY when people would casually say, "Oh, waking up early is easy if you want it badly enough."
Those well-meaning phrases often felt heavier than the weights I was lifting. It took a lot of unlearning to finally look at my routine and remind myself: No, waking up early and completely transforming a habit might be structurally simple, but it is definitely not easy.
Giving Yourself Grace
Getting outside for a walk, maintaining a daily gratitude journal, practicing deep breathing when anxiety hits, texting a friend back, or flossing nightly are all simple acts on paper. But they are not "easy" in the slightest when you are carrying the weight of a busy career, family responsibilities, or a traumatized nervous system.
We cannot expect ourselves to operate like machines.
So the next time you beat yourself up over not doing what you “should” do—whether it’s sticking to a workout schedule, managing your to-do list, or breaking an old relational pattern—remember this short phrase: Simple, not easy.
When you strip away the heavy layers of "shoulds" and replace them with a bit of grace, your nervous system stops perceiving a threat. You move out of a fight-or-flight response, the shame softens, and the heavy lift suddenly feels a little lighter.
You don't have to overhaul your entire life overnight. But for today, give yourself permission to remember: it’s simple, not easy.
What is one thing on your to-do list right now that you've been beating yourself up over? How might it change if you gave yourself permission to admit that while it's simple, it's definitely not easy?
5 Tips for Preparing for Surgery: Staying emotionally and mentally grounded
If you're preparing for surgery, first, take a breath.
Maybe you're feeling pretty calm. Maybe you're anxious and finding yourself thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Maybe you're somewhere in between—feeling okay one minute and suddenly overwhelmed by a what if thought the next.
Whatever you're feeling, it's perfectly normal to feel a whole range of emotions.
Even if you've made the decision to have surgery, that doesn't mean you won't feel nervous about it. When something important is coming up and there's uncertainty involved, it's natural for your mind to try to prepare you for every possible outcome, especially if you already struggle with anxiety.
But here's the thing: you don't have to believe every thought your brain throws at you. And you don't have to spend the days leading up to surgery worrying your way through every possibility.
As a therapist specializing in anxiety and trauma in women, I want to share five things that may help you feel more grounded, supported, and mentally and emotionally prepared as you approach surgery.
1. Corral Your Thoughts
Your brain may have a lot to say as surgery gets closer.
What if something goes wrong? What if recovery is harder than I expect? What if I don't heal well? What if I can't handle it?
Those what if thoughts can feel incredibly convincing. And once one shows up, it's easy for another to follow, and another, until you've spent an hour (or a week) imagining scenarios that haven't happened.
This is where I want you to practice corralling your thoughts.
Imagine your thoughts are a wild stallion. If you let that stallion roam wherever it wants, it can cause a lot of damage. Your anxious thoughts can do something similar when you let them run freely, pulling you into one frightening possibility after another.
You don't have to wrestle every thought to the ground. You just need to practice not following it wherever it wants to take you.
When you notice yourself spiraling, try saying:
I'm having a what-if thought. That doesn't mean it's going to happen.
Then gently redirect your attention to what's actually happening right now. Maybe you're sitting on your couch. Maybe you're drinking your coffee, talking to a friend, or watching your favorite show. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
You can acknowledge that surgery comes with uncertainty without mentally rehearsing every possible negative outcome.
And if the thought comes back five minutes later? That's okay. Corral it again.
This isn't about pretending that risks don't exist or ignoring important medical information. It's about getting the information you need from your medical team without allowing anxiety to turn uncertainty into an endless stream of worst-case scenarios.
You can have an anxious thought without giving it the reins.
2. Prepare a Little (But Don't Go Overboard!)
One of the hardest parts of preparing for surgery can be feeling like so much is out of your control.
You can't control every detail of the procedure or exactly how your recovery will go. But there are some things you can do to make the days afterward a little easier.
This is where a little preparation can help.
Spend some time looking for recovery items that might make you more comfortable. Depending on your procedure and your surgeon's recommendations, that might mean easy-to-wear clothing, extra pillows, simple meals, or things to keep you entertained while you rest.
You might even enjoy browsing Google or Amazon and putting together a small list of things that could help.
Sometimes, taking a practical step helps us feel less helpless. It gives us something constructive to focus on instead of spending all our energy worrying.
But here's my reminder: prepare a little, not a lot.
You don't need to buy every product someone on the internet says you absolutely must have. You don't need to create the perfect recovery setup or anticipate every possible need before surgery.
Start with a few essentials. Check with your surgical team about what's appropriate for your procedure, especially when it comes to medications, supplements, wound care, and recovery equipment. You can always get additional items later if you need them.
The goal isn't to control every aspect of recovery. It's to make things a little easier on yourself.
Don’t let this turn into obsessing and ruminating. Give yourself permission to do enough.
3. Lean on Your Support System
If you're someone who is used to taking care of everyone else, asking for help might feel uncomfortable.
You may be the person who organizes family life, remembers what everyone needs, and figures things out when something goes wrong. You're used to being dependable.
But when you're preparing for surgery, you deserve to be on the receiving end of that care, too.
Let your family and friends know what's coming up and what kind of help would make a difference.
Be specific.
Instead of saying, "I'll let you know if I need anything," try asking someone to bring dinner on a particular night. If you have children, ask a trusted person to help with school drop-offs, activities, or childcare. If you'll need help with errands or household tasks, let people know ahead of time.
People often want to help but don't know what would be useful. Giving them a concrete way to support you makes it easier for everyone.
And please remember: needing help while you recover doesn't mean you're a burden.
You would show up for someone you love without giving it a second thought. You'd bring the meal, watch the kids, or help with the laundry.
Let the people who love you have the opportunity to do that for you.
You don't have to earn support by doing everything yourself first.
It’s safe to be cared for.
4. Communicate What You're Feeling
You don't have to keep your anxiety to yourself.
Sometimes we avoid telling people we're scared because we don't want to worry them. We might worry that they'll think we're being dramatic or that talking about our fears will somehow make them feel bigger.
But keeping everything inside can leave you feeling even more alone.
If you have safe, supportive people in your life, let them know how you're feeling. You don't need them to fix everything. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and remind you that you don't have to navigate this experience alone.
You can say something as simple as:
I'm feeling more anxious about surgery than I expected. I don't need you to solve anything. I just need someone to talk to for a few minutes.
If you know someone who has had the same procedure, you might ask them about their experience, including what helped them during recovery. Hearing about a positive experience can offer reassurance and help you feel less alone.
Just remember that everyone's surgery and recovery can be different. Another person's experience can't predict yours, so use your surgeon and medical team for information specific to your situation.
And please tell your surgeon that you're anxious.
You can be honest about what worries you most. Are you afraid of anesthesia? Pain? The recovery process? Not knowing what to expect?
The more specific you can be, the easier it may be for your medical team to address your concerns, explain what to expect, and help you understand the support available to you.
You don't have to act brave or pretend you're not worried.
Being honest about your anxiety is a way of taking care of yourself, not a sign that you're failing to cope.
5. Visualize a Positive Experience (This is my favorite one)
Our minds can be remarkably good at creating vivid pictures of things we're afraid might happen.
You might find yourself imagining a stressful day at the hospital, feeling overwhelmed, or struggling through recovery. Sometimes those mental pictures feel so real that your body starts responding as though the situation is already happening.
One gentle practice you can try is intentionally creating a different picture.
Set aside a few quiet minutes and imagine yourself moving through the experience in a calm, supported way.
Picture yourself arriving at the hospital and taking a few steady breaths.
Imagine asking your questions and feeling cared for by the people around you.
Picture yourself settling in, letting the medical team guide you through the next steps, and feeling supported as you prepare for the procedure.
Imagine the transition into recovery. Picture yourself resting, accepting help, and allowing yourself the time you need to heal.
See yourself surrounded by people who care about you. Imagine feeling strong—not because you aren't scared, but because you're allowing yourself to be supported through something difficult.
You might even picture yourself thinking, I'm taking this one step at a time. I don't have to do everything at once.
This isn't about guaranteeing a particular surgical outcome or forcing yourself to feel positive all the time.
Visualization is simply a way to practice directing your attention toward a more reassuring possibility instead of automatically replaying your fears.
If visualization makes you more anxious, that's okay, too. You can try something simpler, like imagining a peaceful place or focusing on a comforting memory.
You don't have to feel perfectly calm for this to be worthwhile.
You can be nervous and still give yourself moments of peace.
A Final Reminder: You Don't Have to Do This Perfectly
Preparing for surgery can bring up a lot of feelings, especially when you're someone who likes to be prepared, responsible, and in control.
You might have days when you feel confident and other days when anxiety catches you off guard. You might find yourself worrying even after you've done everything you can to prepare.
That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.
You don't have to eliminate every anxious thought, buy every recovery item, accept every offer of help perfectly, or visualize your way into feeling fearless.
You just have to take the next manageable step.
Gather the information you need from your medical team. Prepare a few things that will make recovery easier. Let people support you. Be honest about what you're feeling. And when your mind starts racing ahead, gently bring yourself back to the moment you're in.
You are allowed to feel scared and still move forward. You are allowed to need help. And you are allowed to take care of yourself without having to prove that you're strong enough to handle everything alone.
If you're preparing for surgery right now, I hope you'll give yourself some extra compassion in the days ahead.
You deserve care and support during this experience, too.
Take it one step at a time. You don't have to figure it all out today.
Should you quit therapy when you don't have “Anything” to talk about?
My work with clients tends to go very deep because of doing complex trauma processing. However, sometimes I hear the phrase, “I Don’t Have Anything To Talk About” from clients. (And even from friends and family who go to therapy.) When clients tell me this, it usually means one of two things. Either the client is feeling an internal pressure to go deep in the session, every session, and this week they can’t think of what topic to address. The client is usually a little stressed by this predicament. Or, they are feeling a financial burden with attending therapy and want to make sure they get their “money’s worth” and have something significant to talk about. As a client myself, I completely understand the financial investment inherent in therapy, especially if you’re paying privately. I totally get it. But let’s explore this topic a little and see what comes up.
Here are 3 things I remind my clients of if they say a version of this phrase to me that I’d like to share with you:
1. Therapy is a process.
It is not linear. You cannot simply check a box that you went and talked about something. With all hard things, you will experience ups and downs. Sometimes you will have a pressing topic to discuss, sometimes you won’t. In the sessions that aren’t mind blowing, that you don’t walk away with huge “ahas”, it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time (or money). You will feel disappointed if you expect to “get something” out of each and every session. Should therapy be meaningful and intentional? Absolutely! But, you may not feel a tangible takeaway at the end of every session. And that’s okay. If you find yourself frustrated with lack of progress for multiple sessions, bring it up with your therapist. The good therapists will welcome the feedback and be appreciative that you felt comfortable bringing up the topic. You might need to revisit goals or treatment approaches. But, it’s important to trust the process.
2. Therapy involves a relationship.
When we think of relationships, we usually think of romantic relationships, friendships, or a parent-child relationship. We don’t usually talk about this, but I think it’s worth mentioning. I’ve found the therapist-client relationship to be a profound relationship. And, hopefully one that changes your life. In therapy, the client shows up as authentically themself (hopefully) and the therapist is a real person, too. As social beings, we were designed to be in relationships and we inherently fear being ostracized or distanced from the relationships we’re in. As with any relationship, there is not a manual. Therapy is no different. You don’t feel sparks fly every time you are with your partner and it would cause unnecessary stress to expect that. So, my gentle suggestion would be to check your expectations and see if they’re reasonable. Every single relationship experiences highs and lows.
3. Now is the time to dig deeper in therapy.
When my clients have “nothing to talk about,” I respond and say, “This is actually a good thing.” Now is the time to talk about that thing that happened that you don’t like to talk about, but know you need to. Now is the time to circle back to that painful loss that you experienced that you couldn’t fully address because life started life-ing. If you’re used to catching your therapist up on the highs and lows of the week and this week was blah, bring up a topic that requires some TLC. Don’t miss the opportunity to dive into a hard topic. I love hearing about my client’s day to day and teaching them coping skills to manage stress and anxiety, but the most meaningful work - what’s going to really be life changing - is digging to those deep roots of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and trauma. In other words, don’t panic that you aren’t going to show up to therapy prepared with a topic, because that doesn’t mean you won’t have a meaningful session. My gentle nudge is to embrace this time of the week, or your life, and see it as a positive. Could having nothing to talk about in therapy mean you’re done with therapy? Yes, definitely. But, that’s not usually what I see in my therapy office, especially if you’re in therapy to really dive into the hard stuff.
I hope that was helpful.
If it was, feel free to share it with a friend who may be experiencing this. Or, if you’re feeling this, don’t panic. Bring this up with your therapist and see where it leads.
And, if you are looking for a new therapist, book a free 20 minute consultation below and see if we’re a good fit. I offer both weekly sessions and 3 hour intensive sessions to female helping professionals with anxiety and trauma.
Coping during Covid - Part 2
5 Tips: What to do when everyday feels like Groundhog Day
Day after day (after day!) feels exactly the same. I get it, I’m right there with you. There are many things about “Sheltering In Place” that have been really hard. I’ve heard clients, as well as family and friends, talk about how they “shouldn’t feel bad” that it’s hard staying at home because they haven’t lost their jobs, or even worse, a family member to the Coronavirus. But, just because you haven’t experienced those specific losses, doesn’t mean you haven’t experienced loss or aren't struggling with the day to day. I compiled the following tips to help you get through the day. To help you feel better, at least a little bit. You can get started on improving your mood TODAY!
Tip #1: Break up your day
Chances are you’re doing the exact same activities each day like working or school work. This reality really makes you feel like each day is a repeat of the previous day. But, if you change your routine, it will help today not feel like yesterday did. You could start work earlier (or later!) and if your job has flexibility, take a longer lunch break. With school, you might not be able to change when your online classes are, but you could switch up what time of day you usually do your homework. Try starting it before 10 pm or 1 am (Yeah, I was once a college student! :)). Try journaling in the morning while sipping your coffee or watching your favorite show in the middle of the day instead of waiting until the evening. Change something, anything, and experience how a seemingly insignificant thing makes a positive difference!
Tip #2: Change location
This tip goes hand in hand with the first tip! We’re creatures of habit and tend to have the same routine, especially right now. But, try changing WHERE you work, do school work, even where you drink your coffee! Providing it’s safe, take the kids to play in the front yard instead of the back. Put down a blanket in the living room and have a lunch picnic with the kids instead of eating at the table. You could make those phone calls from your back patio or while on a walk. And Speaking of walking…..
Tip #3: Move your body
It doesn’t matter what the weather conditions are (I’m thinking of all of you in the Eastern states where there’s snow!), it’s helpful to get moving! It has been well documented in research (I won’t bore you with the details) that walking, for even 10 minutes, decreases depression and improves mental health. Even stretching and/or yoga is super beneficial. I don’t know about you, but my neck and shoulder muscles get very tight when I’m stressed, so getting up from your computer or putting the baby in the swing and moving around is very helpful. Even the smallest movement will help, so don’t feel like you need to start an exercise routine or anything! Now is not the time to put more pressure on yourself.
Tip #4: Practice Mindfulness
I hesitate to even say “mindfulness” because it has been such a buzz word in therapy circles for a decade, but the goal is to practice being in the moment. We’re on auto-pilot throughout much of our day. You probably eat lunch while checking your phone or multi-tasking in some other way. You go, go, go, moving onto the next thing. Doing this not only breeds stress and feeling hurried, but you miss out on savoring the small things in life like what your lunch actually tasted like. So, try focusing on what you’re doing and slowing down. What does the keyboard feel like under your fingers? Is your breathing slow and steady or quick and heavy? Is your body tense? What was that thought that just quickly ran through your head? Bring your focus to this moment and just be.
Tip #5: Plan something
I recommend this tip to my clients whenever they voice concern over something in the future like spending a holiday by themselves or a loved one is leaving and they’re anticipating being lonely. Planning something to look forward to not only brightens the day but shows you that when it feels like everything is falling apart, you DO have control over something. You could plan a new recipe to try tomorrow, schedule a video call with a friend, buy a new candle to try out, add a new coffee creamer, plan out how you’ll re-arrange wall art in a room (if that sounds life-giving to you!), walk your dog in a different location, etc. The list is endless and, again, it might seem like something so small won’t help, but just try it and see for yourself! When I suggest this to my clients and they try it out, they’re pleasantly surprised. Who doesn’t like having something to look forward to!?
Those are my 5 tips. I hope you’ll implement them, even just one or two! And If you’ve found something that has helped you during this pandemic, I’d love to hear what it is and how it has helped! You can email me at sarah@sarahsanderslmft.com or join my professional Facebook page and DM me.
Coping during Covid - Part 1
Look at me, it’s okay…..I’m here for you
In the midst of this COVID-19 Pandemic, I’m finding myself being more active and directive with my clients than I usually am. My clients are typically high-functioning, successful women who struggle with anxiety. Sessions usually consist of my clients spending the majority of the session talking….processing…..getting choked up and crying….. My role is to be an active listener, fully focused on their words and body language. I support them to lean into the big feelings and let it all out. Oftentimes, I go the whole hour hardly saying a word. Since my clients are driven and competent people, they don’t need me to say “do this” or “do that”...and that’s just not usually my style. I want to be a safe place for them to let it all hang out and feel no judgement. However, this past week, I’ve noticed an interesting shift in several of the sessions: I’m more directive and plan-oriented. I can sense that, right now, they need me to speak up more and take a more active role. This unprecedented pandemic time is causing stress, and a lot of it, for most of my clients. Their normal has been turned upside down with “stay at home” and “shelter in place” orders. Our sessions have moved from in-person to video or phone. It’s a very trying time for a lot of people and every single person has been impacted on some level. As I sit here and think about my sessions this past week, I’m reminded of child birth.
If you’ve ever given birth, you probably have a hard time comparing it to anything else you’ve experienced. The process is both unique and beautiful, but hard at the same time. The “transition” time between 8 centimeters and birth is very disorienting. It’s the time when most women want to give up and feel they can’t go on. The woman is exhausted and just ready to meet the incredible life she’s been growing inside of her. This past week has felt like the “transition” period for the pandemic. My clients (as well as my family and friends) are mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted and ready for life to move forward. They want the painful contractions to end; to see light at the end of the tunnel. Many of my clients have hit the proverbial wall. They feel overwhelming anxiety, depression returning, and just in general "maxxed out." Just like a birth doula (trained professional who emotionally supports the woman) locks eyes with a woman who is in transition and gently tells her, “Look at me, it's okay...I'm here for you. It's just a little bit longer,” I am also looking into my client’s eyes, connecting with them, and saying the very same thing. I’m reminding them of all the hard work they’ve done in the past, how they’ve grown, the mountains they’ve successfully scaled, and now making a plan with them on how to take care of themselves. I don’t know when the Pandemic will end and when we’ll be able to emerge from our houses and go back to hanging out with friends and seeing people face to face, but, in the meantime, we all need to remind ourselves that it’s okay that this is hard. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, anxious, and sad. It’s okay.
Healing After a Miscarriage
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had a miscarriage. Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. No matter when you lost your baby, I know you loved that baby and are heartbroken.
Sadly, it is not an uncommon experience and it has been estimated that 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage (source: American Pregnancy Association). When I started doing therapy, while in grad school, it was only a very short time before I had my first client who was crying in my office, longing to still be pregnant, and missing her baby. Over the past 15 years, I’ve worked with many women who have suffered this loss. Each woman’s pain is unique and everyone processes the grief differently. However, there are certain things that I’ve seen to be helpful to my clients. You may need to only do a couple of these, or may find you want to do all of them. I hope at least one of these resonates with you and starts to bring healing to your heart.
- Talk with a trusted friend or family member.
Getting out what you’re feeling and going through can be very helpful in processing your grief. If you don’t have a supportive community, finding a supportive online community can help. If you’d rather find support in person, scheduling an appointment with a therapist who has experience in this is a great option.
- Journal
Journaling: some people love it, some loathe it. I suggest that EVERYONE try it! Journaling is a powerful tool to help you process what you are going through. Your journal is the safe place where you can write down EVERYTHING that you’re feeling. You need to get it out. Journaling can be a perfect avenue for it. In a journal, you are free to express those emotions that feel too big to share with others. Just try it. Sit down for 10 minutes and see how you feel and how much you get out. And, if you’re worried about others reading what you write in your journal, then write what you’re feeling on a piece of paper and shred it afterwards. Shredding is cathartic, too!
- Give your baby a name.
This sounds crazy to some people, okay maybe a lot of people. But, you didn’t lose an inanimate object, your baby died. That reality is so heavy that it’s hard to even put words to it. Naming your baby lets the gravity of what you’ve gone through sink in. It helps you process it. The naming process can be a great way to include your significant other. Your husband/boyfriend is probably experiencing this grief differently, but including him is important for both of your healing.
- Write a letter to your baby.
From the moment you found out you were pregnant, you most likely had hopes and dreams for your baby, ideas about what he or she would be like. You may have even been able to picture your child going off to his/her first day of kindergarten. All of these dreams do not need to be forgotten. Write to your baby and tell him/her all about what you thought he/she would look like, be like, and the life you planned with him/her. Writing this letter is hard to do, but you will feel better after doing it.
- Do something special each year.
On the anniversary of losing your baby and/or your due date, it can be very meaningful to light a candle or let a balloon go in honor of your child. This can be done privately or with loved ones. If you have children and they knew about your pregnancy, this can be a very meaningful activity for them and help their hearts heal.
- Pick something to remember your baby by:
o A picture
o Candle
o Necklace
o Blanket
o Onesie
It doesn’t matter what the special item is. It is up to you what you would like to use to remember your baby by. The days when you are feeling especially low, it can be helpful to pull your special item out. And, for the days when you are feeling better, the special item can be a reminder of your journey and how far you’ve come. But, no matter the day or how long it has been, you most likely will always feel the loss of your baby, it just changes over time.
Be kind and gentle to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and the healing process can take a long time. If you’ve done some of these suggestions and you still feel distraught and are having a difficult time functioning at work, school, or at home, you need to reach out to a therapist for professional support and get treatment. As I said earlier, losing a baby is hard and everyone responds and grieves differently. If you need help, get it.
“A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is.” ― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan's Tale.
If you’re reading this and have a friend who has had a miscarriage and aren’t sure what to say or do, read What to do, What not to do!)
