Should you quit therapy when you don't have “Anything” to talk about?
My work with clients tends to go very deep because of doing complex trauma processing. However, sometimes I hear the phrase, “I Don’t Have Anything To Talk About” from clients. (And even from friends and family who go to therapy.) When clients tell me this, it usually means one of two things. Either the client is feeling an internal pressure to go deep in the session, every session, and this week they can’t think of what topic to address. The client is usually a little stressed by this predicament. Or, they are feeling a financial burden with attending therapy and want to make sure they get their “money’s worth” and have something significant to talk about. As a client myself, I completely understand the financial investment inherent in therapy, especially if you’re paying privately. I totally get it. But let’s explore this topic a little and see what comes up.
Here are 3 things I remind my clients of if they say a version of this phrase to me that I’d like to share with you:
1. Therapy is a process.
It is not linear. You cannot simply check a box that you went and talked about something. With all hard things, you will experience ups and downs. Sometimes you will have a pressing topic to discuss, sometimes you won’t. In the sessions that aren’t mind blowing, that you don’t walk away with huge “ahas”, it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time (or money). You will feel disappointed if you expect to “get something” out of each and every session. Should therapy be meaningful and intentional? Absolutely! But, you may not feel a tangible takeaway at the end of every session. And that’s okay. If you find yourself frustrated with lack of progress for multiple sessions, bring it up with your therapist. The good therapists will welcome the feedback and be appreciative that you felt comfortable bringing up the topic. You might need to revisit goals or treatment approaches. But, it’s important to trust the process.
2. Therapy involves a relationship.
When we think of relationships, we usually think of romantic relationships, friendships, or a parent-child relationship. We don’t usually talk about this, but I think it’s worth mentioning. I’ve found the therapist-client relationship to be a profound relationship. And, hopefully one that changes your life. In therapy, the client shows up as authentically themself (hopefully) and the therapist is a real person, too. As social beings, we were designed to be in relationships and we inherently fear being ostracized or distanced from the relationships we’re in. As with any relationship, there is not a manual. Therapy is no different. You don’t feel sparks fly every time you are with your partner and it would cause unnecessary stress to expect that. So, my gentle suggestion would be to check your expectations and see if they’re reasonable. Every single relationship experiences highs and lows.
3. Now is the time to dig deeper in therapy.
When my clients have “nothing to talk about,” I respond and say, “This is actually a good thing.” Now is the time to talk about that thing that happened that you don’t like to talk about, but know you need to. Now is the time to circle back to that painful loss that you experienced that you couldn’t fully address because life started life-ing. If you’re used to catching your therapist up on the highs and lows of the week and this week was blah, bring up a topic that requires some TLC. Don’t miss the opportunity to dive into a hard topic. I love hearing about my client’s day to day and teaching them coping skills to manage stress and anxiety, but the most meaningful work - what’s going to really be life changing - is digging to those deep roots of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and trauma. In other words, don’t panic that you aren’t going to show up to therapy prepared with a topic, because that doesn’t mean you won’t have a meaningful session. My gentle nudge is to embrace this time of the week, or your life, and see it as a positive. Could having nothing to talk about in therapy mean you’re done with therapy? Yes, definitely. But, that’s not usually what I see in my therapy office, especially if you’re in therapy to really dive into the hard stuff.
I hope that was helpful.
If it was, feel free to share it with a friend who may be experiencing this. Or, if you’re feeling this, don’t panic. Bring this up with your therapist and see where it leads.
And, if you are looking for a new therapist, book a free 20 minute consultation below and see if we’re a good fit. I offer both weekly sessions and 3 hour intensive sessions to female helping professionals with anxiety and trauma.
Coping during Covid - Part 2
5 Tips: What to do when everyday feels like Groundhog Day
Day after day (after day!) feels exactly the same. I get it, I’m right there with you. There are many things about “Sheltering In Place” that have been really hard. I’ve heard clients, as well as family and friends, talk about how they “shouldn’t feel bad” that it’s hard staying at home because they haven’t lost their jobs, or even worse, a family member to the Coronavirus. But, just because you haven’t experienced those specific losses, doesn’t mean you haven’t experienced loss or aren't struggling with the day to day. I compiled the following tips to help you get through the day. To help you feel better, at least a little bit. You can get started on improving your mood TODAY!
Tip #1: Break up your day
Chances are you’re doing the exact same activities each day like working or school work. This reality really makes you feel like each day is a repeat of the previous day. But, if you change your routine, it will help today not feel like yesterday did. You could start work earlier (or later!) and if your job has flexibility, take a longer lunch break. With school, you might not be able to change when your online classes are, but you could switch up what time of day you usually do your homework. Try starting it before 10 pm or 1 am (Yeah, I was once a college student! :)). Try journaling in the morning while sipping your coffee or watching your favorite show in the middle of the day instead of waiting until the evening. Change something, anything, and experience how a seemingly insignificant thing makes a positive difference!
Tip #2: Change location
This tip goes hand in hand with the first tip! We’re creatures of habit and tend to have the same routine, especially right now. But, try changing WHERE you work, do school work, even where you drink your coffee! Providing it’s safe, take the kids to play in the front yard instead of the back. Put down a blanket in the living room and have a lunch picnic with the kids instead of eating at the table. You could make those phone calls from your back patio or while on a walk. And Speaking of walking…..
Tip #3: Move your body
It doesn’t matter what the weather conditions are (I’m thinking of all of you in the Eastern states where there’s snow!), it’s helpful to get moving! It has been well documented in research (I won’t bore you with the details) that walking, for even 10 minutes, decreases depression and improves mental health. Even stretching and/or yoga is super beneficial. I don’t know about you, but my neck and shoulder muscles get very tight when I’m stressed, so getting up from your computer or putting the baby in the swing and moving around is very helpful. Even the smallest movement will help, so don’t feel like you need to start an exercise routine or anything! Now is not the time to put more pressure on yourself.
Tip #4: Practice Mindfulness
I hesitate to even say “mindfulness” because it has been such a buzz word in therapy circles for a decade, but the goal is to practice being in the moment. We’re on auto-pilot throughout much of our day. You probably eat lunch while checking your phone or multi-tasking in some other way. You go, go, go, moving onto the next thing. Doing this not only breeds stress and feeling hurried, but you miss out on savoring the small things in life like what your lunch actually tasted like. So, try focusing on what you’re doing and slowing down. What does the keyboard feel like under your fingers? Is your breathing slow and steady or quick and heavy? Is your body tense? What was that thought that just quickly ran through your head? Bring your focus to this moment and just be.
Tip #5: Plan something
I recommend this tip to my clients whenever they voice concern over something in the future like spending a holiday by themselves or a loved one is leaving and they’re anticipating being lonely. Planning something to look forward to not only brightens the day but shows you that when it feels like everything is falling apart, you DO have control over something. You could plan a new recipe to try tomorrow, schedule a video call with a friend, buy a new candle to try out, add a new coffee creamer, plan out how you’ll re-arrange wall art in a room (if that sounds life-giving to you!), walk your dog in a different location, etc. The list is endless and, again, it might seem like something so small won’t help, but just try it and see for yourself! When I suggest this to my clients and they try it out, they’re pleasantly surprised. Who doesn’t like having something to look forward to!?