Should you quit therapy when you don't have “Anything” to talk about?
My work with clients tends to go very deep because of doing complex trauma processing. However, sometimes I hear the phrase, “I Don’t Have Anything To Talk About” from clients. (And even from friends and family who go to therapy.) When clients tell me this, it usually means one of two things. Either the client is feeling an internal pressure to go deep in the session, every session, and this week they can’t think of what topic to address. The client is usually a little stressed by this predicament. Or, they are feeling a financial burden with attending therapy and want to make sure they get their “money’s worth” and have something significant to talk about. As a client myself, I completely understand the financial investment inherent in therapy, especially if you’re paying privately. I totally get it. But let’s explore this topic a little and see what comes up.
Here are 3 things I remind my clients of if they say a version of this phrase to me that I’d like to share with you:
1. Therapy is a process.
It is not linear. You cannot simply check a box that you went and talked about something. With all hard things, you will experience ups and downs. Sometimes you will have a pressing topic to discuss, sometimes you won’t. In the sessions that aren’t mind blowing, that you don’t walk away with huge “ahas”, it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time (or money). You will feel disappointed if you expect to “get something” out of each and every session. Should therapy be meaningful and intentional? Absolutely! But, you may not feel a tangible takeaway at the end of every session. And that’s okay. If you find yourself frustrated with lack of progress for multiple sessions, bring it up with your therapist. The good therapists will welcome the feedback and be appreciative that you felt comfortable bringing up the topic. You might need to revisit goals or treatment approaches. But, it’s important to trust the process.
2. Therapy involves a relationship.
When we think of relationships, we usually think of romantic relationships, friendships, or a parent-child relationship. We don’t usually talk about this, but I think it’s worth mentioning. I’ve found the therapist-client relationship to be a profound relationship. And, hopefully one that changes your life. In therapy, the client shows up as authentically themself (hopefully) and the therapist is a real person, too. As social beings, we were designed to be in relationships and we inherently fear being ostracized or distanced from the relationships we’re in. As with any relationship, there is not a manual. Therapy is no different. You don’t feel sparks fly every time you are with your partner and it would cause unnecessary stress to expect that. So, my gentle suggestion would be to check your expectations and see if they’re reasonable. Every single relationship experiences highs and lows.
3. Now is the time to dig deeper in therapy.
When my clients have “nothing to talk about,” I respond and say, “This is actually a good thing.” Now is the time to talk about that thing that happened that you don’t like to talk about, but know you need to. Now is the time to circle back to that painful loss that you experienced that you couldn’t fully address because life started life-ing. If you’re used to catching your therapist up on the highs and lows of the week and this week was blah, bring up a topic that requires some TLC. Don’t miss the opportunity to dive into a hard topic. I love hearing about my client’s day to day and teaching them coping skills to manage stress and anxiety, but the most meaningful work - what’s going to really be life changing - is digging to those deep roots of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and trauma. In other words, don’t panic that you aren’t going to show up to therapy prepared with a topic, because that doesn’t mean you won’t have a meaningful session. My gentle nudge is to embrace this time of the week, or your life, and see it as a positive. Could having nothing to talk about in therapy mean you’re done with therapy? Yes, definitely. But, that’s not usually what I see in my therapy office, especially if you’re in therapy to really dive into the hard stuff.
I hope that was helpful.
If it was, feel free to share it with a friend who may be experiencing this. Or, if you’re feeling this, don’t panic. Bring this up with your therapist and see where it leads.
And, if you are looking for a new therapist, book a free 20 minute consultation below and see if we’re a good fit. I offer both weekly sessions and 3 hour intensive sessions to female helping professionals with anxiety and trauma.