If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had a miscarriage. Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. No matter when you lost your baby, I know you loved that baby and are heartbroken.
Sadly, it is not an uncommon experience and it has been estimated that 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage (source: American Pregnancy Association). When I started doing therapy, while in grad school, it was only a very short time before I had my first client who was crying in my office, longing to still be pregnant, and missing her baby. Over the past 6 years, I’ve worked with many women who have suffered this loss. Each woman’s pain is unique and everyone processes the grief differently. However, there are certain things that I’ve seen to be helpful to my clients. You may need to only do a couple of these, or may find you want to do all of them. I hope at least one of these resonates with you and starts to bring healing to your heart.
- Talk with a trusted friend or family member.
Getting out what you’re feeling and going through can be very helpful in processing your grief. If you don’t have a supportive community, finding a supportive online community can help. If you’d rather find support in person, scheduling an appointment with a therapist who has experience in this is a great option.
- Journal
Journaling: some people love it, some loathe it. I suggest that EVERYONE try it! Journaling is a powerful tool to help you process what you are going through. Your journal is the safe place where you can write down EVERYTHING that you’re feeling. You need to get it out. Journaling can be a perfect avenue for it. In a journal, you are free to express those emotions that feel too big to share with others. Just try it. Sit down for 10 minutes and see how you feel and how much you get out. And, if you’re worried about others reading what you write in your journal, then write what you’re feeling on a piece of paper and shred it afterwards. Shredding is cathartic, too!
- Give your baby a name.
This sounds crazy to some people, okay maybe a lot of people. But, you didn’t lose an inanimate object, your baby died. That reality is so heavy that it’s hard to even put words to it. Naming your baby lets the gravity of what you’ve gone through sink in. It helps you process it. The naming process can be a great way to include your significant other. Your husband/boyfriend is probably experiencing this grief differently, but including him is important for both of your healing.
- Write a letter to your baby.
From the moment you found out you were pregnant, you most likely had hopes and dreams for your baby, ideas about what he or she would be like. You may have even been able to picture your child going off to his/her first day of kindergarten. All of these dreams do not need to be forgotten. Write to your baby and tell him/her all about what you thought he/she would look like, be like, and the life you planned with him/her. Writing this letter is hard to do, but you will feel better after doing it.
- Do something special each year.
On the anniversary of losing your baby and/or your due date, it can be very meaningful to light a candle or let a balloon go in honor of your child. This can be done privately or with loved ones. If you have children and they knew about your pregnancy, this can be a very meaningful activity for them and help their hearts heal.
- Pick something to remember your baby by:
o A picture
o Candle
o Necklace
o Blanket
o Onesie
It doesn’t matter what the special item is. It is up to you what you would like to use to remember your baby by. The days when you are feeling especially low, it can be helpful to pull your special item out. And, for the days when you are feeling better, the special item can be a reminder of your journey and how far you’ve come. But, no matter the day or how long it has been, you most likely will always feel the loss of your baby, it just changes over time.
Be kind and gentle to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and the healing process can take a long time. If you’ve done some of these suggestions and you still feel distraught and are having a difficult time functioning at work, school, or at home, you need to reach out to a therapist for professional support and get treatment. As I said earlier, losing a baby is hard and everyone responds and grieves differently. If you need help, get it.
“A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is.” ― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan's Tale.
If you’re reading this and have a friend who has had a miscarriage and aren’t sure what to say or do, read What to do, What not to do!)