Should you quit therapy when you don't have “Anything” to talk about?

My work with clients tends to go very deep because of doing complex trauma processing. However, sometimes I hear the phrase, “I Don’t Have Anything To Talk About” from clients. (And even from friends and family who go to therapy.) When clients tell me this, it usually means one of two things. Either the client is feeling an internal pressure to go deep in the session, every session, and this week they can’t think of what topic to address. The client is usually a little stressed by this predicament. Or, they are feeling a financial burden with attending therapy and want to make sure they get their “money’s worth” and have something significant to talk about. As a client myself, I completely understand the financial investment inherent in therapy, especially if you’re paying privately. I totally get it. But let’s explore this topic a little and see what comes up.

Here are 3 things I remind my clients of if they say a version of this phrase to me that I’d like to share with you:

1. Therapy is a process.

It is not linear. You cannot simply check a box that you went and talked about something. With all hard things, you will experience ups and downs. Sometimes you will have a pressing topic to discuss, sometimes you won’t. In the sessions that aren’t mind blowing, that you don’t walk away with huge “ahas”, it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time (or money). You will feel disappointed if you expect to “get something” out of each and every session. Should therapy be meaningful and intentional? Absolutely! But, you may not feel a tangible takeaway at the end of every session. And that’s okay. If you find yourself frustrated with lack of progress for multiple sessions, bring it up with your therapist. The good therapists will welcome the feedback and be appreciative that you felt comfortable bringing up the topic. You might need to revisit goals or treatment approaches. But, it’s important to trust the process.

2. Therapy involves a relationship.

When we think of relationships, we usually think of romantic relationships, friendships, or a parent-child relationship. We don’t usually talk about this, but I think it’s worth mentioning. I’ve found the therapist-client relationship to be a profound relationship. And, hopefully one that changes your life. In therapy, the client shows up as authentically themself (hopefully) and the therapist is a real person, too. As social beings, we were designed to be in relationships and we inherently fear being ostracized or distanced from the relationships we’re in. As with any relationship, there is not a manual. Therapy is no different. You don’t feel sparks fly every time you are with your partner and it would cause unnecessary stress to expect that. So, my gentle suggestion would be to check your expectations and see if they’re reasonable. Every single relationship experiences highs and lows.

3. Now is the time to dig deeper in therapy.

When my clients have “nothing to talk about,” I respond and say, “This is actually a good thing.” Now is the time to talk about that thing that happened that you don’t like to talk about, but know you need to. Now is the time to circle back to that painful loss that you experienced that you couldn’t fully address because life started life-ing. If you’re used to catching your therapist up on the highs and lows of the week and this week was blah, bring up a topic that requires some TLC. Don’t miss the opportunity to dive into a hard topic. I love hearing about my client’s day to day and teaching them coping skills to manage stress and anxiety, but the most meaningful work - what’s going to really be life changing - is digging to those deep roots of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and trauma. In other words, don’t panic that you aren’t going to show up to therapy prepared with a topic, because that doesn’t mean you won’t have a meaningful session. My gentle nudge is to embrace this time of the week, or your life, and see it as a positive. Could having nothing to talk about in therapy mean you’re done with therapy? Yes, definitely. But, that’s not usually what I see in my therapy office, especially if you’re in therapy to really dive into the hard stuff.

I hope that was helpful.

If it was, feel free to share it with a friend who may be experiencing this. Or, if you’re feeling this, don’t panic. Bring this up with your therapist and see where it leads.

And, if you are looking for a new therapist, book a free 20 minute consultation below and see if we’re a good fit. I offer both weekly sessions and 3 hour intensive sessions to female helping professionals with anxiety and trauma.

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Brett Sanders 10/19/17 Brett Sanders 10/19/17

Healing After a Miscarriage

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had a miscarriage. Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. No matter when you lost your baby, I know you loved that baby and are heartbroken.

Sadly, it is not an uncommon experience and it has been estimated that 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage (source: American Pregnancy Association). When I started doing therapy, while in grad school, it was only a very short time before I had my first client who was crying in my office, longing to still be pregnant, and missing her baby. Over the past 6 years, I’ve worked with many women who have suffered this loss. Each woman’s pain is unique and everyone processes the grief differently. However, there are certain things that I’ve seen to be helpful to my clients. You may need to only do a couple of these, or may find you want to do all of them. I hope at least one of these resonates with you and starts to bring healing to your heart.

- Talk with a trusted friend or family member.

Getting out what you’re feeling and going through can be very helpful in processing your grief. If you don’t have a supportive community, finding a supportive online community can help. If you’d rather find support in person, scheduling an appointment with a therapist who has experience in this is a great option.

- Journal

Journaling: some people love it, some loathe it. I suggest that EVERYONE try it! Journaling is a powerful tool to help you process what you are going through. Your journal is the safe place where you can write down EVERYTHING that you’re feeling. You need to get it out. Journaling can be a perfect avenue for it. In a journal, you are free to express those emotions that feel too big to share with others. Just try it. Sit down for 10 minutes and see how you feel and how much you get out. And, if you’re worried about others reading what you write in your journal, then write what you’re feeling on a piece of paper and shred it afterwards. Shredding is cathartic, too!

- Give your baby a name.

This sounds crazy to some people, okay maybe a lot of people. But, you didn’t lose an inanimate object, your baby died. That reality is so heavy that it’s hard to even put words to it. Naming your baby lets the gravity of what you’ve gone through sink in. It helps you process it. The naming process can be a great way to include your significant other. Your husband/boyfriend is probably experiencing this grief differently, but including him is important for both of your healing.

- Write a letter to your baby.

From the moment you found out you were pregnant, you most likely had hopes and dreams for your baby, ideas about what he or she would be like. You may have even been able to picture your child going off to his/her first day of kindergarten. All of these dreams do not need to be forgotten. Write to your baby and tell him/her all about what you thought he/she would look like, be like, and the life you planned with him/her. Writing this letter is hard to do, but you will feel better after doing it.

- Do something special each year.

On the anniversary of losing your baby and/or your due date, it can be very meaningful to light a candle or let a balloon go in honor of your child. This can be done privately or with loved ones. If you have children and they knew about your pregnancy, this can be a very meaningful activity for them and help their hearts heal.

- Pick something to remember your baby by:

o A picture

o Candle

o Necklace

o Blanket

o Onesie

It doesn’t matter what the special item is. It is up to you what you would like to use to remember your baby by. The days when you are feeling especially low, it can be helpful to pull your special item out. And, for the days when you are feeling better, the special item can be a reminder of your journey and how far you’ve come. But, no matter the day or how long it has been, you most likely will always feel the loss of your baby, it just changes over time.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and the healing process can take a long time. If you’ve done some of these suggestions and you still feel distraught and are having a difficult time functioning at work, school, or at home, you need to reach out to a therapist for professional support and get treatment. As I said earlier, losing a baby is hard and everyone responds and grieves differently. If you need help, get it.

“A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is.” ― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan's Tale.